Having decided to move on from atheism, Commitment-Phobe 
is touring churches of all denominations to see if she can find God

It has been six months, and I am frustrated. I knew this journey wasn’t going to be easy, but I wanted some thunderbolts. Not the life-threatening, electric kind, but the message-bearing, enlightening, moment-of-truth kind. The kind that says (cue trumpets and chorus of angels): “I have found God!” We don’t live in an age of miracles, but maybe a little sign, or a hint even, would be good.

I sometimes wonder why I am on this journey (and you may wonder too). I have a strong memory of a feeling that I had a guardian angel. Whatever hardship came my way would happen for a reason, and there would always be a way to get the thing I needed if I worked hard enough and wished for it with all my heart. I felt I was lucky. I believed that there was good under the surface of every person I met, and that we were all driven by love. And there was always a silver lining to every cloud.

But at some point in my 20s I lost faith in this guardian friend. Perhaps what I wanted and what I needed diverged and set off on separate paths. And, when I didn’t get the things I wanted I became bitter at times and a little lost. I stopped listening to the guide that always showed me what I needed. We grow up and yet persistently hold on to the things we think we should have, rather than accept the things that will make us truly happy…

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This is an extract from the April 2014 edition of Reform.

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