Do I want to return to church at all?

How have you been doing in the pandemic? This is a question I have heard quite a bit over the year, but more so now that I am seeing more of people. And the honest truth is: I don’t have a clue. Do any of us?

I have been surviving, getting by, counting my blessings and praying for those with much greater hardships. But what about thriving?

I am choosing songs for next Sunday. Kids’ church is open again. I have attended church in person a couple of times since restrictions started to lift. I have not attended church with my whole family since last year. When I ask my husband about it, he says: ‘Not yet.’

I am looking at the scripture for the Sunday service, waiting for the Holy Spirit to do its work in me and let it soak into my soul, and for song choices to come forth in response. I think about how I feel, trying to find the perfect summation. I realise I am overthinking, and I remember a brilliant meme. It has an image of a man sat on a church pew, labelled ‘Me overthinking’; a woman behind him points a gun at his head, labelled ‘Me realising I’m overthinking’; woman behind her points a gun at her head, labelled ‘Me thinking about overthinking’; then a sniper in the balcony points his gun at the trio, labelled ‘Me overthinking overthinking.’ I am clearly thinking too much to be inspired, so I have chosen no songs.

This Sunday, I didn’t book a place in church, and the weirdness of being at home watching a live streamed service, showing people I know intimately, really got to me, especially when considering that the building itself is about five minutes’ walk from where we live…

Commitment-Phobe is a Christian

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This is an extract from an article published in the June 2021 edition of Reform

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